Now that I have a moment to myself, I become overwhelmed by the decision at hand. So I do what makes sense... I begin to pray. I plead and plead with God to show me the direction that we're supposed to take. And if he can't show me, to tell Stanton and give me peace about the decision. As I pray and pray, I become more and more broken. I'm not getting clear answers, but I begin to feel more comfortable with the idea of coming to a decision. I decide that since I will have the apartment to myself when I get back, I will spend the weekend in constant prayer furiously reading His Word in hopes that I won't have to actually make a decision, but that He will make it for me. Then an idea pops in my head... I'll fast too. That way, I can clear out all the junk in my body and in my brain and just soak it all in. Almost immediately, I feel the presence and hear the voice of God inside of me. He tells me not to take the job in AR and not to fast because I'm pregnant. I have never had an experience quite so strong. And I try to remember that feeling when I felt so close to Him, just an overwhelming sense of peace and awe. I then do what makes sense now...I break down. I try to keep my eyes on the road, but its like driving through a torrential downpour with the tears. On the radio, Matthew West's "You are Everything" was playing...
"You are everything that I live for
Everything that I can't believe is happening
You're standing right in front of me
With arms wide open all I know is
Every day is filled with hope
'cause you are everything that I breathe for
And I can't help but breathe you in, and breathe again
Feeling all this life within
Every single beat of my heart"
And that's why its one of my favorite songs. I can't tell anyone. Stanton should be the first to know, and he is busy with the conference. I finally make it back to the empty apartment. Holly is there wagging her tail and so excited. I tell her all about everything. I wait anxioiusly for Stanton to call. I'm torn to tell him over the phone. It's not how I had pictured in my mind breaking the big news. So I tell him my experience, but agree not to take "the test" until he's there with me. I know in my heart what it would show, so waiting doesn't bother me.
On the afternoon of Easter, the first holiday that Stanton and I have EVER spent by ourselves, I do the deed and pee on the stick and sure enough it's positive. The rest of the day, we bask in the glory of God. Thanking Him for everything. For overcoming the grave to forgive our sins, for blessing us with a baby, for making decisions that are too hard to make on our own, for bringing us together, for His timing, for the grass and the trees and the birds, for everything he has provided.
And that's how I'm feeling again today. Unfortunately I'm at home without Stanton again, but this time I have some company. And she just makes the days brighter. I'm praising God for His provision, for His wisdom, for His guidance, and for all of His creation.