Nothin' but the Blood of Jesus

So, a pretty big event in my life occurred this Sunday. I was baptized! I have been saved by grace for over 13 years, but I had never done the outward display for the world. It was in a word, AMAZING. Let me share with you a little about my journey.

I grew up in the Catholic church. We attended mass and Sunday school regularly. I was baptized, had my first communion, went to confession, and eventually I was confirmed. I also spent a fair amount of time on the weekend with my moms parents, Granny and Papa Wurst, who went to a Church of Christ. Growing up, it's all about learning about Jesus and the other Bible stories, so I didn't even really know the difference between the two, except for the styles in the service. I loved VBS at the CoC, because they picked us up from the house and we got to ride a bus and sing songs along the way. But I digress. Overall, I felt like I knew the story of Jesus, the miracles he performed, how he died on the cross, and all the typical people of the Bible stories. And I knew a lot of hymns. :)

Then I met a boy in the 9th grade who stole my heart. But more than that, he cared about me enough to ask questions about what exactly I believed and if that was different from what the Catholic church believed. We talked about everything the Catholic church believed. From the big issues to the little issues, he was curious and I didn't have the answers. More than finding the specific answers, I felt like I had been in a church for my entire life and realizing that I didn't even know what I supposedly believed was quite a shock.   As we started learning more I realized that I couldn't really say that I knew Jesus and that I believed that he was living in me. So, in February of '98 after many long conversations and a powerful revival at that boy's church I accepted Jesus in my heart.

Over the past 13+ years that boy became my husband and I am so very thankful for the man he is for my family. As my husband and as a friend, he told me on many occasions his opinion on baptism. He thought it was something I needed to do a long time ago, but I never felt like it was necessary to be baptized again. While I realized that the significance of the baptism was different between the Protestant church and the Catholic church, I wasn't convinced that it was right for me. Honestly, I think a lot of it was in the fact that the baptism would be the official last break from the Catholic church and I wasn't ready to let that go.  But, I wasn't afraid of the conversation when it came up. I came to the decision a long time ago that God would let me know if he wanted me to do it and that I was ok with waiting for a sign or a moving in my spirit. After all, God's timing is perfect.

Well, at 3:00 AM on July 5th, I woke up with a vision and a clear direction that it was time. I was in a white dress in a lake. And so, that's what I did. Pastor Jay was very accommodating. He was on vacation when I shared the news with him via email. And was excited to help me make plans just days after his return. He picked a beautiful spot on Lake Waco and we did the dunk at sunset. It was amazing!

I want to extend the same thanks to all of you who have been with me on my journey just as those who were able to physically be there.

I thank all you for joining me here (in blogland) and celebrating with me. I have grown more spiritually during my time at Grace than I had in the previous years combined. And I feel like over the past 2 months that growth has been accelerated beyond measure. I thank you for all your prayers. For the prayers for healing, for the prayers for my family, and just the constant outpouring of supplication. I have felt like God is carrying me in his hands every day. Thank you! I can't say it enough.

A family day

I had an amazing day today. It was practically perfect in every way. First thing this morning we went as a family of four to go have breakfast with some friends. This is a big deal all by itself. I haven't eaten breakfast since elementary school. Before I started on the steroids, the smell of food would sometimes make me nauseous. Not any more. I have to have breakfast in the morning. Aside from the fact that I can now enjoy breakfast food at a restaurant, it was simply amazing to just be out functioning as a family unit again. I felt more like a mom and a wife than I have in a long time. And to top it all off, the friends included my dear friend MA, her family, and another sweet friend from Baylor, Denka. The company was the best part of the morning. Well, the food was pretty good too. But, the people definitely made the meal.

After we finished breakfast, we came back home to play. I decide that today would be a day full of surprises, so I went to my room and got out the 4 pairs of shoes that I had stored in my closet for Chaselyn. The girl loves her some shoes so I stock up at the end of the season planning ahead for the next year. Chaselyn liked all the shoes, but she obviously picked the pink, sparkly Disney princess flip flops to wear right away. Unfortunately, her little feet are so chunky, I'm afraid that she'll only be able to wear them around the house for short periods of time. Because she got new shoes we had to say goodbye to some old shoes. One pair in particular I was a little emotionally distraught over getting rid of. Her little red sparkly shoes. These were worn so often they were like her trademark. I think I may have to do a post just about these shoes so that I can properly grieve them. On that note, they are Old Navy brand if you see them in any kind of resale shop in any size toddler 7 or above I will be at your mercy and pay whatever you want for them. So, anyway we cleaned out her shoe box. Out with the old, in with the new.

After that, it was time to go get zapped. Stanton and I left the kids with Ducky and Granny and made the trip to Temple. It was nice to get to have some alone time with him, although I must say that we have had plenty of private conversations and opportunities to pray together and grow together. But I still appreciate every single nugget of time I get to spend with anybody these days, so spending time with my best friend is pretty awesome. Stanton dropped me off at the door and I went ahead and got checked in while he parked the car. I didn't even have time to sit down before they called me back for treatment. When I came out Stanton was talking with Chris, a kind of gruff older gentleman that has struck up conversations with pretty much everyone who would listen. A very nice man indeed. Likes to give the nurses a hard time, but he's just messing with them. Today he mentioned something that absolutely broke my heart. His brother had just been diagnosed with lung cancer, but his brother lives 45 miles from the hospital. He may not get treatment because of the cost of gas to drive in every day. There's also a general distrust of doctors in the family too. Chris mentioned that the doctors will just keep finding things wrong to get your money. So I am not sure they are taking the diagnosis seriously, but to say that he shouldn't come because of the cost of gas. I was speechless. How blessed are we? Oh God, thank you. We are going to try to help the situation, and see if there is some kind of cancer society program to help get Chris' brother out.

Upon returning home, I got some of my moms leftover manicotti for lunch, took a nap, and woke up refreshed for the main event of the day - Chaselyn's first theater movie. We have been looking forward to this for months. We figured Cars 2 would be an appropriate movie to go see because she was already familiar with the characters and regularly asks to watch the first Cars movie. My friends it was amazing! I didn't watch much of the movie because I was watching her. She was so excited she was dancing to the music, she was smiling, she loved the special movie treats of Sprite and popcorn. The Sprite was an extra special treat and she couldn't get enough. I tried to regulate how much she was getting, but I'm pretty sure she got more out of the Large drink than Stanton and I combined. We were in the theater for over 2 hours. So obviously, with about 45 minutes left in the movie, she got ants in the pants. Fortunatley, ther wasn't anyone in front of us so she was satisfied to just stand and walk in between Stanton and me and dance with the chairs and play with the cup of ice and straw. She really did do great. And like I said, at the beginning she was just mesmerized and I pray that I can remember those faces.



After the movie, we took Chaselyn for another special treat. On Wednesday, Jacob accidentally broke one of her favorite headbands. She was very upset. We told her that we would take her to pick out a new headband at the store soon. So, off to Claire's we went. She picked out 2 headbands, because of a sale. The first one she picked has sparkly pink flowers. The second is rainbow colored with circles. They are very typical Chaselyn.

Upon returning we were greeted by MA and family, dinner served by a loving church family member, and we got to share the joys of the day with everyone. And then we got another surprise family of four moment. People just vanished for various reasons and we realized that it was the first time since about 6 am on May 24th that it had just been the four of us in the house together. I appreciate so much the job that our moms have been doing. And I don't want to sound like I am bothered at all by their presence, but there is just something about being just the four of us that made things seem normal. And I haven't had a whole lot of normal in a while. Stanton and I were able to play with the kids and put them to bed. And then Stanton finished a movie he had been watching, and I started blogging. Like I said, we have had enough alone time.

And that my friends is one of the greatest days I've ever had. Also the day was predisposed to be a good one because last night we had surprise dinner guests. My brother Josh and family are making a tour through TX tosee family, we didn't expect to see them until the 4th. But, it worked out that they got to come by and have dinner and some play time.

Worlds are collidng

One of the most amazing parts of having brain cancer is that all of the people who matter most are drawn together to come and see you. And they get to meet and it's like a big party where all of the people I know from all different points of time in my life are thrown together. It's fun to see my friends from Waco meet my family from Arkansas. I wish they could have met under different circumstances obviously, but I feel so blessed by the whole interaction, it's one of the many silver linings I cling to.

Most recently we had a house full of visitors including my dad, my sister, her boyfriend, my friend MA, as well as the usual family of four plus our two moms. We had fun playing Wii, watching movies, eating way too much food, and just hanging out. As I type, I imagine people are packing up their stuff for a family reunion of sorts involving Stanton's mom's side of the family. There are approximately 30-35 people coming to Waco for the weekend. It's amazing!

I have definitely been feeling the effects of all the drugs in my system. Some days are bad, some days are ok. I just reduced my steroids from 4 pills a day to 3 pills a day, I thought that would help me sleep better, but it didn't last night. I feel tired and weak all the time. I'm getting weaker too, which bothers me to no end. I was doing so good. I'm still able to function on my own, but I can't really get down on the floor any more to play with the kids. The doctors said that this would happen, as the radiation kills the tumor cells, they will swell. The swelling puts pressure on my brain, which turns off my right side. I still have complete control of all my limbs and can move them on demand, which is more than I could do in the hospital. But I am just worried that as I get weaker, I won't realize it and I'll try to do too much and not be safe. I know how stubborn I can be.

New experiences

Well, since we chatted last, I've had several new experiences. I've gone through 2 radiation treatments, a round of chemotherapy pills, I got a new fancy phone with a data plan and everything, and I am blogging from my very own IPad. Fancy, I know. :)

So let's start with the radiation. Essentially, I get my head locked to a table, by a mask that squishes my face so hard it leaves red marks for about 10 minutes after the treatment. Otherwise, the radiation is painless. Once locked in, I hold my cross that my family got me to hold, I close my eyes and try to pray. Try is a key word, because they have music playing in the room and I am easily distracted. I make three passes in the machine. The different arcs target the tumor from different angles. It only takes about 10 minutes start to finish. Which is good, because again the mask really squishes my face. I think that the radiation beams make my head feel hot, but it may just be my imaginatïon.

I am taking a pill form of chemotherapy called Temodar. I took 130mg last night and will take that amount every night at bedtime. I take an anti-nausea pill about 30 minutes before hand and it didn't seem to affect me at all on day one. Aside from nausea Temodar has been known to cause hairless in about 69% of patients. This is a little concerning to me. I am not a person obsessed with my appearance, but I don't want to appear sick. I know I'll adapt if I have to, but I'd rather just be part of the 31%. The other big side effect is fatigue. It will be hard to tell if the chemotherapy is causing it or if I am still a little tired from essentially not moving for weeks.

On that note, I am getting a PT and OT twice a week each for a few weeks. I am a little skeptical of the OT, because unlike a stroke victim, my muscles don't need to be taught how to do things again, I just need the strength back. But, I'll gladly take any and all help. With my moms around to do EVERYTHING for the kids and the house and Stanton doing everything for me, I don't get out of the recliner nearly enough. I need the PT to get me up and make me move.

Now, the fun stuff. My invasion of technology! I truly have joined the 'it' crowd with my new fancy tools. I just hope I can learn to appropriately use them to the fullest. It was the doing of some key people who love me dearly to make sure that no matter my physical condition, if I only had my left side to operate they wanted to be sure I could keep writing and get my thoughts out there. And for that I am truly grateful. Lucky for me, I can currently type with two hands and really enjoy my new toys. I was going to post a picture, so you could see the new me. But I can't get blogger to recognize the pic I took with my iPad. I'll learn soon.

Thanks for listening! And feel free to ask questions.

Steroids

steroids make you weird. I am on some considerable levels of decadron and although it has relieved the pressure in my brain to allow most of my mobility to come back, the side effects are weirding me out. my body shape has changed. my legs are skinnier, my belly is bigger. my face shape has changed too, so that i barely recognize myself in the mirror. of course there's the acne and shrinking boobs too. but above all of that the most annoying part is the steroids have made me start to dislike food. I am so hungry all the time. And people have been providing DELICIOUS meals for us. But I'm so hungry I feel like I can't savor the flavor I just need more to eat. I feel guilty for gorging on tasty treats not because of the calories, but because I don't feel like I give the food a good home. It's such a waste for me to just throw it down the hatch. On the calories though i'm apparently burning up all I eat because I'm not gaining weight.

We are getting ready for my first radiation treatment tomorrow at 4pm. I'm not real sure what to expect, but I have a peace that passes understanding. Literally. I mean can you imagine me not freaking out about a medical procedure? God has touched my brain in a profound way to protect me and I thank Him for it every day.

I'm feeling good today. I feel like I have complete mobility, but I'm still weak on my right side. But I'm able to shower on my own. It's the little things. Most of all, I miss my Jacob. He's a runner, not a sitter. So I don't get to squeeze him very much. I miss that.

Please pray for me tomorrow at 4pm the scheduled radiation appt. and at bedtime when I take my first round of chemo pills.

brain cancer

it all started on sunday when i nearly shut my foot in the car door. by sunday night i admitted that i needed to go to the doctor (a big deal for me) because my right side was being lazy. i called and set up an appointment for tuesday because monday i had the kids. early in the morning on tuesday, i was taking care of the boy and he was fussing so much that he even woke stanton up. stanton noticed my arm was limp and i was just not myself. he got worried and the next thing i know i was getting dressed to go to the ER.

At about 6:15 i walked into the emergency room. i talked with the er doctor told him my symptoms and he thought it would be a good idea to do a ct scan. i don't remember how the timing all worked out, but it seemed like the diagnosis was quick. the ER doctor came in to tell me that the CT scan was abnormal and it looked like cancer. the doctor was visibly shaken. and we were too. i cried but not for long. after having my mom diagnosed with breast cancer in august, i just wanted a plan of attack. i also found strength in knowing that God has a plan and He is in control of everything. He gave me brain cancer. He can heal me. But above all I know that He has a plan for me and my family. And we will be richer for having gone through these trials.

before too long i was inundated with a team of doctors , including a brain surgeon. i was loopy on the drugs, so i remember asking stanton to call everyone and being wheeled down for an MRI. then being woken up for another meeting with the doctors. it's all kind of a blur. next thing i know i was waiting for a brain biopsy. even writing that gives me the willies, but at the time i was surprisingly calm. again the peace that i felt was just amazing.

the next couple of days were kind of hazy. i remember all the visitors that showed up. true friends are so amazing! i'll have to have stanton post all the details, but eventually on thursday we were in an ambulance on our way to UT Southwestern for an anticipated surgery. again i was unusually calm. but once we got there the doctors said to us that they couldn't safely do the surgery. i can't imagine the range of emotions that my support team was feeling. but, by being at zale lipschy hospital on the UT Southwestern campus we were exposed to top tier medical professionals.

 i have decided to just put my caringbridge link. it has the whole story layed out better than i could ever remember and more specifics than i know.

http://www.caringbridge.org/visit/brandigreer/journal

now, with that all out of the way, i hope to blog about my days. how i'm feeling, and what my new normal is.

thank you to everyone who has loved on me and lifted me up in prayer.

That's my boy!!

Jacob Stanton Greer celebrated his first birthday on May 2nd. And he is becoming such a big boy. At his one year check-up last Wednesday, he weighed in at 21.1 lbs. and measured 30.25 in. tall. That put him in the 25% for weight and 50% for height. He has a large head, measuring 18.50 in. which puts him in the top 25%. He has moved into size 12m clothes and still uses size 3 diapers. Jacob has 8 teeth which he uses to chew up everything. From chicken to toys to his sisters snacks to dog food it all goes in his mouth.  We are working on introducing sippy cups and cows milk. He seems to be doing ok with both, but still likes his milk warm and doesn't understand that some cups are not his to drink from. He still loves to eat by shoveling it down with two hands until it's all gone. His favorite food is hot dogs and green beans. But he's generally doesn't mind throwing down anything that is put in front of him.

Jacob was just starting to take his first steps when he turned one, and now he tries to take at least a few steps when getting from point A to point B. He loves to play with his big sister, follow her around, and scoop up the toy she was playing with as soon as she puts it down. This bothers Chaselyn to no end and often ends in a screaming match. Which eventually turns into a dinosaur roaring match and then to a raspberry, spitting match and then to hysterical laughing. Otherwise, he's very much into climbing on everything (and now standing once he reaches the top), the pull out game and cruising around on his little ride-on Pooh airplane. Phones and remotes are favorites too. He will point the remote at the tv and will pick-up my cell phone and say "Da-Da" and drool all over it.



So far he's only got "Ma-Ma" and "Da-Da" in his vocabulary. He also roars like a dinosaur. You can also ask him for a kiss and you'll receive one slobbery, open-mouthed smooch. Occasionally he tries to bite you too after the kiss. We're not sure if this is part of a bigger biting problem or just learning the proper smooching technique. So, we're keeping an eye on him and making sure those little love gnaws don't turn into a bad habit. He's also got a lot of new facial expressions. A big flirty grin with those innocent blue eyes. A sad face that will break your heart. And a smile and laugh that will melt your heart.  


Dear Jacob,

We love you. There are no other words to describe the joy and happiness that you have brought to our lives. In the past year, you have taught us so much. We never could have dreamed that our little boy could personify so many familiar characteristics of the other 3 family members and yet be such an individual. You are such a handsome little fella and kind hearted too. We are so thankful that we get to join you on this crazy adventure. And, we know it will be crazy because you are already showing us how you like to push the limits. We pray that we can guide you appropriately with God's help and help you to achieve everything He has planned for you.

Love,
Mommy & Daddy