Friday, March 5, 2010

Who am I?

Following up on the last post about being an adult, I find myself often questioning exactly who I am. I feel like with all the big life changes over the past couple of years and as I anticipate the changes to come in the not so distant future, I'm not sure exactly who I am any more. I think that's why figuring out how to decorate the house and even figuring out what background I want for my blog seems so confusing. I feel sometimes like I have a multiple personality disorder. There's the Brandi that is strong and independent, and the Brandi that just wants to sit back and be taken care of. There's the Brandi that is bright and cheerful and there's the Brandi that's more laid back and mellow. And most of all, there's the Brandi that I want to be and the Brandi that I'm afraid I am.

On a daily basis, it's not too hard to figure out which of these Brandi's are dominant. But on a larger scale, decisions are complicated by my changing opinions. Part of me wants to decorate the house like the fun pictures I see in magazines and on HGTV. But then, part of me knows that Stanton and I have labeled our decorating style as "Functional Comfort". And often the kind of wacky things that look interesting on tv don't really jive with our current scheme. I have found some outlet in stuff for the kids though. I am determined that our kids will grow up with bright, lively decorated kiddie rooms. I want them to have a place to go and have fun and that spurs their imagination. But what about the common areas? Do I let the whimsical fill the home or do I acquiesce to the more subdued vibe?

More personally, what is my own style? I've been a t-shirts and jeans type of girl forever, and I'm not at all saying that I've changed. But some days, I would just like to look nice. A little spiffed up. But I can't at all translate what I like on other people into outfits that work for me. I always feel like I'm trying to fit in to someone else's clothes on the rare occasions when I do dress up. And I know the day is coming when Chaselyn is going to need some help with all the girly things. I want to be in a place of understanding and knowledge when she gets there. But I'm afraid I may be about 20 years to late in making an effort to learn about all the girly things.

I've also been trying to figure out what I really enjoy. Stanton and I haven't been out on a date in a long, long, long time. We had planned our anniversary dinner (13 years and counting) for last weekend. But he got sick, so it was a no go. But it honestly wasn't that big of a deal. It wasn't as if we had some great and magical evening planned. We had arranged for some friends to watch Chaselyn, and we were going to go out to eat and maybe to a movie, or something. But, the closer we got to our official date night, the more I realized that we didn't really have anything to do. Neither one of us could think of something that we just really wanted to do. The main reason we haven't gone out on many dates is because we both so value the time we have to spend with Chaselyn. And we eat lunch together almost everyday and have plenty of time to chat at lunch and on the way home and after Chaselyn goes to bed. So, it's not like our relationship is struggling. It's just not what I picture it should be I guess.

So, am I losing myself? After being identified as a student for so long, now that that role has faded away, who am I? It looks as though I'll be the stay-at-home-mom (SAHM). But what does that look like? I will no doubt struggle with the SAHM that I want to be and the reality of the situation. Am I already beginning to lose myself in my kids? When I look at my core, the main thing I tend to focus on is how to help Chaselyn and Jacob succeed. What do I need to do for that to happen. Is that how it's supposed to be? It can't be that way forever. I know eventually the kids will grow up. Then will I really have to do a soul search to find myself again? I don't mind putting so much focus on the kids, if that's what they need. At the same time I don't want to be a helicopter mom.

This crisis is enhanced by my recent decision to NOT go home for spring break. For the first time ever, I won't be at my parents house during the week long break. Instead of running home to mommy and daddy like I usually do, I'm attempting to be responsible and catch up on work at home and at work before Jacob comes. I understand the logic. I made the decision. And yet part of me wonders what has gotten in to me.

So, I guess I've lost myself. If you find me, please let me know.

1 comment:

  1. I hope you had a wonderful and relaxing spring break. I cannot believe you're 33 weeks now!! Less than two months away!! :) Hope all is well!