Thursday, September 10, 2009

Crying over milk

Today I cried in the parking lot of Chaselyn's daycare. And as I type, I'm tearing up more. Why? Because this morning I had only one bottle of Mommy milk to leave with Chaselyn at daycare. So I dropped her off and I was feeling fine, but I had to make a trip to the store to buy some formula to take back to her. As I walked into the store, I fought back tears and kept myself composed. I walked to the baby aisle, where I found no less than 15 different kinds of formula. Some were way expensive (more than $27 per can), some were specially formulated for lactose intolerant, some were organic, some were soy, some had special additives, and some were just plain. As I stood and scanned the options, I remembered once again why breast-feeding had been the choice for me. I finally decided on the store brand (HEB) with added DHA and ARA which are apparently the lipids that help make breastmilk so healthy.

Anyway, I got back in the truck and headed to the daycare. I was still doing fine, reminding myself over and over again that I was lucky to be able to rely solely on breastmilk for so long. Some people can't even do it in the beginning. And I'm not giving up on breastfeeding, I'm just having to supplement with formula. I went in and gave them the can and the daycare worker said thanks, and said Chaselyn would be fine. I wasn't so sure seeing as how she was crying in the floor. But she was hungry, and they were waiting to see if I was coming back with the formula soon enough so that they could give her the breastmilk bottle before her nap to help her sleep better. And as the lady walked away to help some kids and I walked to the door to leave, I started to lose it. I hurried to my truck and let it all go. I cried a cry that I haven't in a long time. I was heaving and sobbing. I'm sure being tired and all that didn't help much either. But I had a good cry and after I got it all out I felt a lot better.

Now, I'm focusing in on what I'm supposed to be learning from this. It's really not the end of the world. I know that I did everything I could to get more milk, it just wasn't there. I'm not a failure. I know that God is in control and I know that He has a reason. I know that everytime I make a plan, it seems to blow up in my face and something better than I could have imagined comes out of it. I know that Chaselyn will continue to grow and be healthy. So now, I'm not fighting the tears. I'm trusting that there is a reason and a silver lining. And I'm praising God for the nearly 10 months that I was able to satisfy my baby without having to outsource.

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