Though it was a strain, I've been working with Chaselyn for about a month teaching her that she is two years old. So now, if I ask her how old she is, she will respond "Two old." and hold up her two cute little chubby fingers with a big grin on her face and her amazing set of curls framing her face and a little proud twinkle in her eye. But usually all I hear is "Too old." How can it be that two years ago at this time I was beaming with pride of having successfully endured getting hooked up to an IV without passing out and now, I beam with pride over this precious little person who calls me Mommy?
I will write a post for Chaselyn's growth/accomplishments/memories soon, but I felt a much greater need right now to post about what I am feeling more than just giving the facts.
Today, my heart aches. It aches because I now longer have Baby Chaselyn. I have a toddler who does new and amazing things everyday. But never again will I be able to see her gummy grins or her wobbly little stumpy legs taking those first steps. Never again will it just be the 3 of us.
My heart aches from the cuteness of the things she's learning and doing everyday. Yesterday we had some awesom cuddle time (which I've been desperately missing for about a year now) and it seems like everyday she does something ridiculously cute and my love just grows and grows everyday it feels like my heart will burst.
My heart aches for the little person that Chaselyn is becoming and the responsibility I have to raise her right. I wonder if I can stand the temptation to swoop in and fix every little problem for her rather than letting her navigate it on her own. I wonder if I'm laying a good foundation in these first years of understanding to build on in the future. I hurt from the idea that I've already made some indelible mistakes that won't be easily overcome.
My heart aches from the knowledge that really I'm just now getting into the real tough part of parenting. She's only 2. She doesn't remember too much, so I probably haven't scarred her for life yet. But now she is a little sponge soaking up every little detail of life. She's primed to mimick my every move. And I am not always the example I need to be for my daughter. I can see in the upcoming years converstaions about important topics. I can see that she's going to push her limits and I will have to be firm. I can see that she will experience her own bumps and bruises, both metaphorically and physically, and I have to know how and when to fix everything.
And finally, my heart aches for the realization that I've developed of having a more global view of the impact of family. I now know what it is to be a mom. And I am so sorry for the torment I put my mom through. I'm sorry that I didn't listen more. I'm sorry that I didn't soak in more of the knowledge that my parents, grandparents, and other family and friends were giving me. I'm sorry that for so long I didn't understand or even attempt to understand the kind of love that a parent has for a child.
But amongst all of the aching, the overall feeling of today is JOY and THANKFULNESS! I am joyful because of the blessing that Chaselyn is to my life. I am joyful because of the amazing people who I have drawn closer to because she is in my life. I am joyful because at the end of the day, I do get to go and squeeze my little girl and she will say "I love you Mommy." even if she doesn't really understand what it means. And I am thankful for all the lessons that Chaselyn has taught me in the two short years she has been around. I've learned more from becoming a parent than I ever learned in school. It's an awesome ride and I thank God for every up and down and loop-de-loop He has put on my path.
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