Blessings

Today I am super thankful for the overwhelming outpouring of prayers over the past year. I reflected yesterday about what the last year has done for me, and I am a totally different person than I was. Stanton is totally different than he was. But the amazing part is that we are closer to God than ever before and we are closer to each other than ever before. It's been an amazing journey. And to see the grace that God has bestowed upon us has been nothing short of a miracle. I remember praying with him before my biopsy surgery, but I don't remember the "run to the body" part. I remember him always being positive when he was near. I remember crying with him and him holding me. He has been my rock through all of this. It's is simply awe inspiring to see how the Creator is working in his life every day.

As you well know, I am celebrating year 1 AD (after diagnosis), my previous life is affectionately referred to as BC (before cancer). Unfortunately, I was pretty doped up a year ago and don't remember much of the days or the exact order that things played out, but I do remember the people who were there. The powerful outpouring of love and support for and from those who are most important in my life. From family to friends, you all came and prayed over me. And just sat with me. Most specifically, I remember seeing MA in the hallway at Hillcrest hospital in Waco. I had no idea that she was coming. And as she approached my room, I was moved to tears. I don't remember what happened exactly in the next few seconds, but she did not make it into my room. I think there may have been a sign left on my door to say that I was resting. But as I watched her walk away I wasn't resting, I was bawling like a baby. I also remember having one of the most meaningful prayer times in my life at Zale Lipschy. Three of my best friends ever gathered around and prayed over me. Allison, Alycia, and MaryAnn poured out their hearts to the God of the universe in one of the most impactful moments of my life. I remember Meredith and the Besancon's visiting me too. I remember my Uncle Philip and Aunt Sandy bringing the whole family dinner. I remember church friends making the trek from Waco, just to say hi for a few minutes. I remember hearing reports of the collective of people caring for my kids. I remember having all of my siblings gathered around my bed. I remember my dad staying with me one night when Stanton went home to be with the kids. I remember the care and concern on my moms face. I will treasure these memories forever. But it pains me to know that they were all hurting so much just outside my door. Everyone put on a brave face for me, but it didn't really hit me until almost a month later that there was a lot of pain and despair. And while I appreciated everyone being strong for me, it absolutely grieves me to think of the pain that they must have felt.

But today, as I sit here in the various waiting rooms writing this blog. I am still absolutely amazed by the number of people who have been praying for me over this past year. People I don't even know have shared on caring bridge that they have been praying for me because we have a common friend. There are over 30,000 visits to my caring bridge site. I am so humbled by this. Simply humbled by the abundance of care and compassion put forth by family, friends, and complete strangers. And I thank God for this trial, because of the immense blessings and amazing memories it has brought me.

A year ago

A year ago, things were ok.
A year ago I wasn't worried about what pills I had to take and when I had to take them.
A year ago I was not thinking about my mortality.
A year ago, I was looking forward to going to the doctor to figure out what was going on.
A year ago, I thought I may have a disease caused by a tick.
A year ago I wasn't concerned that my kids might have to grow up without me.
A year ago I was a much different person.
A year ago I knew that Jesus loved me, but I had no idea how much.
A year ago, I had just spent a wonderful time celebrating my sons 1st birthday with the whole family.
A year ago I never could have never anticipated being who I am now.

Today, I am looking forward to letting go to a year ago. Tomorrow, marks the one year anniversary of my diagnosis. And for the past year I've been battling the thoughts of "a year ago, things were normal." But tomorrow, I won't be able to say "a year ago." I have experienced some of the most amazing moments of my life! And it's all because I was diagnosed with cancer.

I have experienced some of the most spiritual moments, feeling closer to God than ever before. I was even baptized.
I have had great times with friends and family, including 2 trips to Disney World.
I have seen the pain and grief on the faces of those who love me most. And though it hurts me to see them hurt, I have been truly touched by the outpouring of their love.
I have seen love poured out for my children.
I have seen the love that my husband has for me and will never doubt it again.
I have seen the value in living for God every day and being in communion with Him constantly.
I have felt the power of being lifted up in constant prayer and being held in God's hands.

With all of these blessings, I'm definitely looking forward to the next year. And when I do look back on "a year ago" from here on out, I will think about all of the blessings that I've received from this whole experience.

Here's a couple of pics of the amazing blessings that I am so thankful for today.

Two for Two

Jacob is two!! It's taken me a while to get this up, seeing as how he turned 2 on May 2nd, but better late than never right?! We'll start with a couple of pics from his celebrations.

Good morning Mommy kisses! I love this little man!

Pancake breakfast at IHOP.

A little playtime at Baylor when we picked Daddy up. They were a little excited about the fountain.

After having hot dogs, carrots, and oranges for dinner it was time for a celebratory cupcake.

On Saturday May 5th we celebrated again with the whole family at Baum Stadium.

Oh, how I love this boy!

Our attempt at a family photo.

One tired little boy after lots of playing, eating, prizes, and 7.5 rather warm innings of baseball.

 Jacob is just like any typical 2 year old boy, loves messes, dirt, outside, playing/ fighting with his big sister, spitting, cars, trucks, etc. But he has taken a special liking to mowers and cycles of any kind. For the past few months he's been crazy for anything that sounds like a lawn mower or looks like a bicycle. Fortunately, we already had the cycle covered, because he got a tricycle for Christmas. He has been riding it pretty much every day since about mid- February. He rides it inside around the island in the kitchen and outside on the patio. So naturally we got him a bubble mower for his birthday. He has mowed our backyard nearly everyday since. I'm seriously considering trying to find something that actually works to cut the grass for the boy to use. (Speaking of "the boy", that has become my term of endearment for Jacob. He is just such a boy, so different from Chaselyn. He just likes boy things. For example, this morning he woke up and asked to watch Cars and he is currently playing with the shake and go cars he got for his birthday. It may not come across as a term of endearment, but I've always thought that boys are weird. Jacob is showing me just how wonderful the other gender is.) We also got him a bubble blower (as in leaf blower.) Both things were a hit. He also got lots of other prizes too from the family and some extended family. Lots of fun toys including a scooter, a Cars 4-wheeler, a pool, little people, play-doh, movies, balls, other fun toys and too much for me to remember. We feel truly blessed to have such wonderful family that loves our little guy as much as we do! And we were so glad to be able to spend Saturday at one of our favorite places and see some people we haven't seen in a while.

Jacob is a skinny boy. He weighs about 25 lbs. and is about 35 inches tall. He still wears size 12 month shorts, sometimes he can keep on 18 month shorts, but they are usually too big still. Mostly 18 month shirts too. He still eats a ton. I guess he's just very active. Actually I know he's very active. (tiringly so ;-)) Like I've said, he is always on the move. Bouncing off things, riding things, running around in circles, mowing, etc. He's a man on the move. His vocabulary has exploded just over the past couple of weeks. He's in the repeating stage. He'll mimic or at least try to mimic anything you say. Chaselyn especially likes this new feature in her little brother. It is hilarious to hear her try to break words down for him. I think on the way to church yesterday she broke her name down into about 6 different sounds for him to mimic. One of Jacob's newest tricks is to grab your hand and say "mere", as in come here, or "mon" as in come on. This was very effective while visiting with the grandparents. He'll also pat the seat when he wants you to sit somewhere. He likes to ask about everybody we've seen in the past couple of weeks. He goes through the list periodically throughout the day - Daddy?, Papa?, Granny?, Ducky?, CrawDad?, Matthew?, Sean?, etc. He seems to ask about more boys than girls, go figure. He also likes to be watched as he falls asleep. This is extremely strange to me. But, he just likes for someone to be there. He is in the big boy bed now and can climb out with little problem. So if you leave before he is asleep, he will come find you (any suggestions are welcome to help with this situation).

So that's our little boy! Amazing isn't he?! One of my favorite features is on my sweet boy is his belly button. Sometimes he's an inny and sometimes he's an outy. I just love to look at his bare belly and navel gaze as he runs around and plays. It's so stinking cute! He also still has the most amazing eye-lashes. He's a very handsome boy all around. His eyes are not blue any more really. Some days they still have a blue hue, but they are never the same color from one day to the next. He's a chameleon.

Jacob, my dear sweet son,

You are an amazing little boy and I can't imagine life without you. You have brought such joy and blessing to my life and so many others' lives as well. I love your adventurous spirit, your unshakeable determination, your wonderful smile, but most of all I love the whole package of who you are. We are already seeing that God has big plans for you, but we knew this before you were born. In fact, God told me before anyone else even knew about you. I remember the exact moment that God told me you were going to join our family. God spoke to me and said "His name is Jacob." while I was washing dishes. Sure enough, later that evening a test confirmed that you were on the way. As I think about that special moment between you, me and God, it makes me realize that I am just a steward set in place to watch over you and try to do the best I can to help you learn to love God. But ultimately, you are God's child. He knows you much better than I ever will, but I thank him every day for blessing me with you and your amazing gifts. I pray that I will be sufficient and capable of sharing with you the amazing grace that God can provide for you. You are mommy's special boy. And though sometimes I may do things that you don't like and discipline you when you are misbehaving, I hope you can always see the love of God through all of our experiences together, good and bad, happy and sad. I love you! And you amaze me constantly and teach me new things all the time. But most of all, you have proven that there is no limit to how much love one can have in their heart.

Love,
Mommy

Goober

My sister is 21. She is smart, beautiful inside and out, an amazing aunt, an awesome person,  and I miss getting to see her. She was my baby doll when she was born. Then she was kind of a burden through my high school years. But now she is simply a delight. She does so much for others. She is an RA, she's actively involved in two different service fraternities, she does volunteer work out the wazoo, she's just good people. And I just wanted to take a page on the internets to dedicate to her and her awesomeness. Really, it's the least I could do.

I love you Goober! I hope you had a fantastic 21st birthday!

 

This is Chaselyn proudly displaying the cup she won with Aunt Rachel for doing the best air guitar at the baseball game. She won the cup and a free haircut for every person on the row from SportsClips. Aunt Rachel is pretty awesome!

To my Momma...

Mom,

Just wanted to write a little note to thank you especially for all that you have done this past year. I really cannot begin to express how much I have appreciated your willingness to just be there for me and the kids at the drop of a hat. But more than that, you have done it all while not only dealing with your daughter having brain cancer, but also dealing with your own cancer treatments. I cannot imagine what it was like to get the call last May. Just to hear that your daughter has cancer. But in some strange way, I think you were prepared. You were kicking cancers' butt and now you could help me to do the same. It's been extra special to commiserate with my own mom about the not so lovely details of treatments.  You are truly an amazing mom, and I wish I could be there in person to tell you this, but we both know that I wouldn't be able to get the words out.

I have said it before and I will say it again, you really can't begin to appreciate the love that your parents have for you until you have your own kids. Thank you for loving me when I was misbehaving. Thank you for encouraging me to stand on my own. Thank you for letting me fall down but being there to help me up if I needed. Thank you for your patience. Thank you for the unconditional love you have shown. Thank you for being you.

Happy Mother's Day Mommy! I love you and miss you so much!

Power port

Can I just say that I am so happy to have my port in place. I can't imagine going back to multiple needle pokes (honestly it usually took them at least 5 tries before they would get a vein) every time I need to have blood drawn or an MRI scan. Even though I had just had it placed on Thursday, it was so easy and relatively painless when they drew blood and gave me chemo on Friday. They said it would probably be a little less painful next time, because it would be more healed. If what I felt on Friday was the most pain I should feel from the port ever, I can't begin to express how much I wish I would have got one of these earlier.

Now it is called a power port, because not only can they do blood draws and administer my new chemo, but they can also put the contrast dye for the MRI scans through. So as far as I'm concerned, I shouldn't have to be poked any more except through the port.

If you're interested in my bionic piece, you can read about it here:

http://www.bardaccess.com/port-powerport.php?section=Features

Despite Stanton's insistence, it doesn't make any fancy power noises when in use or do much of anything else. It just sits there and waits to be used.

I have included a couple of pictures. One of the port off the website and one of me with my new friend. I'm using a new iPad interface for blogger, so I'm not sure exactly how this will turn out.

Seizure

On Tuesday the 10th I admitted to Stanton that I was experiencing slight weakness in the right side. I wasn't worried about it since it was even low grade enough that he didn't notice. I just figured it was residual from Fridays trip to the ER (they called me and told me that my platelets were low and said I would need a transfusion if it were true. This caused a stress induced reaction where I experienced more right side weakness than I have had in a long time. The weakness quickly went away on Friday. And my platelets turned out to be fine.) . Stanton was visibly worried about the revelation of my rigth sidie weakness, no matter how much i tried to minimize it. So on wednesday I was already trying to get in contact with my doctors, to talk with them about what was going on. I finally got a call back at 6:17. They said that it didn't seem like I had already had a seizure, but I should watch out. I got off the phone with the doctor, called Stanton and told him what they had said. My phone says that call lasted until 6:30. I was still not worried, I was sure that it was nothing. I started feeling a little weak, so I sat down on the couch not to much later, my leg started shaking, then cramping, then my arm,within seconds I was having a full blown (focal) seizure. My whole right side was flailing out of control. The scariest part - I was at home alone with the kids. I called for Chaselyn to come into the living room, the kids were both back in Jacobs room. Both of them came in while I was seizing. They thought I was playing the horsey game and promptly started climbing on me. I tried to get Chaselyn to get my phone for me. I told her it was on the counter in the kitchen. Remember I was still seizing so it took all I had to get the words out and they weren't coming out very good. She went and looked, but said she couldn't find it. Then she said "I got it momma." And showed me a play phone. I told her that I wasn't playing and that I really needed my phone. After she looked again, she said she still couldn't find it. So , I told her that it was ok. But i needed her to go over to the neighbors house and get help. I told her to go outside and see if the boys next door were playing. If they were tell them that mommy needs help. If not, knock on the door. I knew it was a lot to ask, but while seizing I couldn't think of anything else. The sweet little girl said ok I'll go get my shoes, she already had shoes. I pleaded with her that she needed to go now. Then she told me that she couldn't go outside without a grown up. By this time I was starting to regain composure. I told her that just this one time she could go. She went over to the door but then came running back to the couch. I told her that it was ok to be scared, but I really needed her to go over to the neighbors house. She was slowly walking toward the door again. By this time I had stopped seizing. And had regained composure. I was sure that I could now hobble over to the counter and get my phone. I told Chaselyn she didn't have to go. She immediately seemed relieved. I got to my phone, called Stanton back at 6:51. I estimate that the actual seizure lasted less than 5 minutes, but it seemed like an eternity. Stanton was only a couple minutes away. He called Michael and told him to get someone over to our house to watch the kids ASAP. Within minutes Stanton was home and we had 4 people at our house to watch the kids and pitch in to help. It took a while to figure out what we were supposed to do. The on call oncologist said that we needed to drive to the ER in Dallas. Then we were waiting to hear back from my neurologist to see if it was necessary to drive to Dallas. So when everything was all said and done, we were headed to the ER about an hour after my seizure. Stanton was very anxious and we actually got pulled over for speeding. (Stanton's first time getting pulled over ever.) the nice police lady let us go with a warning. Stanton was more bothered by the amount of time it was taking. When we finally got to the emergency room, we started the waiting game. Fortunately, they put me in a special waiting area away from the sick people. (apparently there is a vicious stomach bug going around Waco.) We sat in there for about 2.5 hours. We had good company though. When they moved me into a room, it was about 10:00 I think. I finally got the CT scan at 11:45. Doctor said there wasn't any bleeding or clotting. And the consensus was that it was probably scar tissue from the shrinking tumor that caused this episode. We were home around 2am. They prescribed some anti-seizure medication called Kappera and I should be talking more with my doctors in Dallas today. So that's my story. Like I said the scariest part was having the kids there while I was seizing. But based on their reactions, I don't think they knew anything was wrong, they thought I was just being silly. Which I am so thankful for. I am praising Jesus today for his healing touch, for his unwavering steadfast love, for constantly holding me in his hand, and for giving me the support network that I have.